fear can be beautiful

more and more i align as Animist. my practices and rituals over time reveal to me the Sentience in all things. we have long forgotten that the Earth has Consciousness. in our collective oblivion we judge the Wisdom of our Ancestral Knowings as primitive and obsolete. in our finite capacity of mind, entangled with human narcissism, potent emotion, and misguided unconscious Beliefs, we Seek to humanize Sentience. we look for our literal Selves in all things; arrogance. we culturally deify and identify as intellect and information; amnesia for the multidimensionality of the human experience, and so, collectively we are blind to the richness of what lives beyond the mind.

as the Sentience in all of life began to reveal itSelf to me, i drew my gaze inward to explore these new relational experiences within the Self. i began to observe the language of ego, the language of different emotions and thoughts. just watching. not judging. i began to notice quirks, qualities and curiosities. slowly a new world emerged beyond my blindness, a realm of emotions and thoughts existing as Beings. Beings with some human like attributes, but whose essences can never be fully understood with the mind and whose voices are most often misinterpreted, as we don’t Seek what is beyond the literal. instead they express themselves through mythology, metaphor, poetry, symbolically and the unexplainable~which i call magick. emotions and thoughts i observed as having their own distinct but entangled inter and intra qualities. it is here that i call in my attention with this writing, to the Beings of emotion, particularly fear. 

i experience all emotions as part of the collective of Self. just as our bodies are ecosystems, with a host of organized organisms which form the whole of the physical body, so too is our experiential existence, our identity, our emotionality, our psychic space. fear, as an aspect of my collective Sentient emotionality, is similar to my humanity, in that it wants to be Seen for its offerings to the Whole of my experience. it is protective. it wants to be heard in its Truth, not ignored, suppressed, oppressed, misunderstood, dismissed or used against itSelf and feared. it Seeks Council, audience with the Council of Beings that comprise the Self, to share its Knowings and be heard, valued and taken seriously. all emotions bring real and valuable offerings. the work is to align to be able to hear and understand them, to become spiritual philologists. when this is not the case, fear gets louder. when it continues to feel unheard, it gets louder still. it constricts, it demands. it looses alignment with the Whole of the human individual and collective experience. for me, fear has not been my greatest challenge, rage has been. but i have learned to listen, with integrity and presence to what she Seeks to reveal to me. what i discovered is that i wanted to take her language literally, that she is not my enemy, no parts of me broken. but as with any lover, you need to learn their language, to understand the universe of who they are, and from there, relationship can build. 

in any relationship where there are deep wounds, it takes time to heal, time to conjure courage, evolve practice and to grow faith in Self capacity. faith that when the fog endures, we are right where we need to be, when we cannot See what is beyond our nose, when the space of it feels particularly potent, seemingly unbearable, this is all a gift, psychic information. a compass to call in the directionality of our attention. if we continue in our commitment to our practices and rituals, consult our Ancestry for guidance, resilience and strength, and walk fiercely into the fire, feeling the burn of it, but conjuring the courage and moving through, liberation await., Kundalini energy, chi, and what Audrey Lorde spoke of as the Erotic Fire courses through. the work, honoring, not judging this Sacred initiation, surrendering to the process as the mother does in birth. observe the need to rush the process and simply choose to continue Soulfully onward, honoring our flow, using psychic technologies that can be learned to move through the dark and cavernous space. we will call in the dark ascension and bring what is in the shadows into consciousness.

fear as compass. fear invites our liberation. fear invites our Erotic Fire. when fear exists in alignment with the Soul, it is ally. there are rich technologies that are indigenous to human beings with flexibility in the nuance found in individuality. we can claim them. Birthright. 

i understand that this is a general exploration and that Diversity in Being and circumstance can exist here. i never presume that any one way is the right way. this is my experience, my Mythology of Self and it serves me. i share this in the context of what is happening now and at the feet of any Soul who receives it. Beings know how to extract what they need from all spaces and leave what they don’t. i find it less important what someone’s religious or spiritual tradition is. i find it Wholly important what their Beliefs and Agreements inspire within them and with regard to their actions. Truth, in so far as human beings have been able to access, is always and only relative. we are built of Mythology and symbol, interwoven in the emotional, the physical, the ancestral, the archetypal. we are exquisitely complex. i choose Mythology, Beliefs and Agreements, that inspire my peace, my most authentic presence, and my grace for all things. 

i share my experience as my own, not to center mySelf. the Soul of every person, Knows their path. i don’t prefer expertism; people trying to fix me, knowing what’s better for me. i experience that as disrespectful. i prefer, to listen to the experiences of others and extract what i need. in this way, every aspect of Sentience around me offers Truth and inspires deeply my gratitude.

april 2020

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