Is Goodness Even a Thing…

to my assigned whyte at birth, assigned female at birth, womxn and human family~

and of course before i speak this, i must always say that no, i am not speaking of every AFAB whyte womxn, but i am speaking to most. and of course there are those that do their work for an embodied presence. and this is easily recognized by BIPOC…

this has been gnawing at me, as whyte womyn continuously and emphatically profess to me of their “goodness” when their racism is being addressed, because something they said or did in space was violent. they plea for me to recognize, that this is all just a big misunderstanding and that REALLY and TRULY they are a “GOOD” person.

and they say this, as i experience it, with all the emotional potency of a weaponized fragility, as desperate attempt to convince me, themselves and whoever might be around of this fact. how possibly could i not see this?

and this is so beyond common, so much the norm, i see the patterns of your behavior, as utterly predictable, with rare variation, and this over and over and over. i’ve communed with other BIPOC and we marvel at the utter commonness of this, the depth of the disconnect. i remember my parents speaking on this, my grandparents. there are entire writings about this by a host of BIPOC. and yet you persist, that the evidence presented to you relentlessly, can not possibly be talking about YOU. it must be some other whyte womxn, because YOU are a “GOOD PERSON.” the level of grip this has on your psyche is striking, with all the opportunities BIPOC offer you to Self reflect that you regularly choose not to take. instead choose to pour on some gaslighting and denial to add to the violence you have already caused in the space. and now, (though this has been deathly obvious for centuries for Black and Indigenous people) even after toothpicks were placed in your eyelids with George Floyd and Breonna Taylor (who at the time of this writing STILL has not gotten justice by the way,) and which i see many of you as thinking is anecdotal, many of you still uphold your violent denial. i mean of course this can’t be common place. of course Black and brown people cannot be being murdered by law enforcement and by YOUR men like this regularly, and of course you don’t sanction this with YOUR silence and participation. and as you turn a blind eye to all the raping, murdering, children in cages, disproportionate BIPOC covid deaths; as you turn a blind eye to your Ancestral Obligation of Reparations and Accountability, and well, ya just keep living as you quietly cling to your merit-less privilege, and simultaneously cry about how things got so bad…

i just cannot understand why you would choose to live in such a disembodied psychic hell. what do you actually need to See happen for you to wake up to your Accountability?

the seeming rabid addiction of whyte womyn to clinging to their perceptions of being “good” is just so curious in this culture. what really equates to being a “good person” for you?

because you are “nice” and “polite” to people?

because you don’t see color?

because you volunteer?

because you’re a “good christian?”

because you donate to charities?

because you pray every day?

because you tip well?

because you are eco friendly?

because you helped a friend?

gave some change to a homeless person?

because you are all about love?😍

because you smile a lot?

because you do yoga?

because you will save a pitbull’s life?
(and this…well before a black man’s life, those lives you don’t even notice and if you do, you of course don’t think there is anything you can do, all of a sudden you are powerless. you might feel sorry for a moment but of course, you are, yet again powerless…interesting how your power is contextual to what serves you and your “good” feelings. apparently black lives don’t do it for you. and then you just go about your day and you don’t See your own deep perversion in this.)

i am utterly curious, how do you quantify this so called “good person-ness?” is it the number of these “good” deeds in a day? in a month? a year? then you tally it all up and check! “Yes! i’ve done my “good” deed quota!” or maybe Christ or a priest absolves you? or maybe you just focus your consciousness on the places that reinforce the feelings and behaviors that inspire your experience of “goodness,” inspire your “good person” beliefs? and then you just sorta don’t bring your attention to those less pretty, less shiny, ugly moments? just kinda don’t see it, whistling as you walk right on by your demons, like they aren’t howling at you. or maybe, you just avoid those people you don’t know how to BE with in any real way because, well, to many of those moments would fuck up your self image. you want to feel good about yourSelf, look in the mirror and smile.

and all of this at the expense of the violent oppression of others…

but hey, you can get a “good” nights sleep after all. “good” sleep for “good”people!

i ask you, earnestly, what aspect of you is doing this reflection? i mean, who are you really? as i tell you that BIPOC both marvel and rage at the very things i have presented here and…

if you are blind to all or most of this…

blind to the ways in which so many experience you as violent…

blind that there is literally an observable, predictable, collective pattern to your behaviors easily recognized and tracked by BIPOC…

blind to the reality that Black music has sung about this for generations through jazz, blues, r&b, hip hop, rock. but y’all just want to dance to it. closed off to the depth.

blind to your Wholeness of Self, because you won’t face all of you, only the parts that reinforce what you want to believe about yourself…

and as we all watch the world continue to burn in the flames of hundreds and hundreds of years of imperialism, colonialism, white supremacy and capitalism, pillaging, stripping, destroying everything it touches, with a gruesomeness unfathomable; as we See how the systems and structures literally defile our collective home (and i am speaking of ALL of life as Sacred and integrated) and will drive humanity to its collective ruin happily for the dollar, for power, destroying even itself…

i ask of you, when you look in the mirror, who is doing the observing? who is doing this tallying? who is creating the framework for this “good person-ness” that you so righteously cling to? this colonial, capitalist system relies on your obedience, your allegiance, which in mass, you continue to give, they actually dangle carrots in front of you, and the price of those carrots is that you offer up your humanity. Free Will. every whyte womxn i meet of course professes themselves to be that exceptional whyte womxn. “oh no that’s not me,” you’ll say, “look at the 3 black people i know, or i have black children, or i love hip hop, or i love Beyoncé or i am not for identity politics…”

or, or, or, or, or, or…

all the things your ego can conjure to keep your distorted beliefs in tact. it’s so clever, crafty that one. to keep the Truth locked away. to keep you disembodied and obedient, as this anti-culture psychologically farms you like ants do aphids, like pawns on a chess board, to keep the wealthy few rich. they chuck a few extra carrots at you…

and all you have to do is look away.

what you don’t understand is, the wealthy have been playing you, manipulating you from the very beginning and Black people, The First Peoples, we can ALL See this quite plainly, but you don’t, you would rather live your life as a marionette for some egoic crumbs, and these crumbs are indeed your poison. when you arrived on these lands, you were poor, and in desperate seeking for “god’s favor.” all you had to do was give up your identity and become “whyte.” and i am not talking about Bacon’s Rebellion, the construction of whyteness began long, long before that. long before you even came to these lands as all the conditions for whyteness came together. it just wasn’t named yet. many things exist in Shadow that are not named. it didn’t seem so bad at first, your lives before were plagued in famine, war, persecution, and sickness. if you, if your children could have a better life, you of course will clothe yourself and your family in this “whyteness.”

here is the inspiring of a deepening of dissonance, of a fissure of Self. as you agree to do things as a “whyte” person that allows you some experience of power, though disembodied, where before you felt none, and you committed grave and evil actions that were contrary to humanity, but you chose….over and over. and you still do.

Free Will.

and as the depravity of actions deepened, over time, over centuries, the split in yourSelves grew with it. a human cannot do the atrocities that you, yes whyte women, YOU, participated in, instigated, enjoyed, and did nothing to stop collectively and the roosters not come home to roost.

face this. face yourSelves. stop denying.

you want your anti-racism journey to be kind and gentle. you think a reckoning is not necessary, that you can just intellectuallize yourSelves to embodiment…

“but we can fix it now, let’s just fix it and all will be ok!”

no. stop it.

the same bible you read will tell you there is no resurrection without the crucifixion. you have to face yourSelves. you have to stop avoiding your Ancestral work. there is no fixing you can do. there is no intellectualizing that will serve. you need to Be with your reckoning. Be with your Accountability.

REPARATIONS
REPARATIONS
REPARATIONS

this is journey, not fixing. this is Accountability, Ancestral Healing, the path to embodiment. and don’t wait for someone to set it up. travel beyond the feeling of not knowing what you can do, of being powerless. that is a manipulation. FIND WAYS. CREATE WAYS, just the way you always do when things are for your own interests. and please, don’t go announcing to BIPOC what you’re doing, don’t talk about it, BE about it. we have heard enough, we want to SEE it. JUST DO THE WORK. and do it QUIETLY, avoid the allure of egoic recognition. draw more white people in and inspire them to do it and do it quietly. Inspire your children to carry the work forward.

the journey begins here. the healing begins here. without this…

anything you are doing, is just talkin’ out the side of your neck…

i am aware that i am not gentle here.

this is the way i love.

genesis~

🖤

To My Whyte Sisters~

my friend Marieke Schwartz wrote and posted the following meme on her page. i was grateful to have seen it. as i am accustomed to experiencing the trauma she speaks of here. after reading, what follows poured out…

and before i share my experience i want to first say, in efforts to disarm egoic weaponry, that no, i am not speaking about ALL whyte womyn, i can only speak to “whyte womyn in the context of whyte supremacy. whytness is only a psychic construct. and thus, i am never speaking about any inherent defect, no part of me subscribes to that colonized construct of thinking, it’s bullshit. nor am i saying that whyte womxn are inherently not good people. i don’t think in binary, human Beings are Whole Beings, capable of all sorts of Actions and Beliefs simultaneously. we can act Soulfully in someways , unconsciously in others, and all the layered grey in between, but what is the Whole of our story when we look in life’s mirror? when we avoid looking into our Shadows, that speaks volumes. if we can’t even see what is right in front of us, that speaks volumes. Free Will = Accountability. and i am addressing, experientially, the culture of whyte womyn within the context of whyte supremacy, which has plagued the world for centuries. but even saying this is dangerous, because the tendency will be for most whyte womyn to claim this is not about them, when every whyte womxn should delve into their Shadows, with the fierceness of the wolf, to See the Truth of what lives in the dark caverns of their Unconscious Mythology. this is in the name of her own liberation, one that would serve all of humanity. her Sacred claiming of Self. this is not about your denial. not about your fragility, sensitivity or victimhood. this is about, who are you in the Now, and what is your Becoming?

You have power. How do you use it?

this is a pouring out. no editing, this is me calling to my sisters. the mystics, the witches, the druids, the urban spiritualists, mother’s, womyn, femmes. if Social Justice work is not a part of your practices, rituals, and actions, you are avoiding. why? if Shadow Work is not a deep part of the way you live, and not just something you do on Tuesdays, and i don’t care what you call it, what the fuck are you doing?

i feel my Rage rise every time i See a white person post or comment about how “unconscionable” the murder of Ahmaud Arbery is, or some variation of that. when all i can feel is the depravity of a culture that produces womyn that scream “look at me, i’m outraged, i’m an ally, See???” and you won’t ever admit this, that you want progressive cookies, or, that you can’t bear to not be seen in these spaces, you can’t be ostracized you see. that won’t do. gotta be part of the trend. this is not at all invisible to BPOC’s, but we are accustomed to keeping you comfortable in your violent choice of oblivion, our lives historically have depended on that. but, you won’t admit this. not even to yourSelves. i am not saying you feel nothing, but i am saying you should call in your attention to how you experience black bodies that die under the weight of your privilege. white people refuse to face honestly, the depravity that rises from generations of Beliefs which gave rise to a sick and warped culture that normalizes and celebrates right into the Now, brutality, unearned privilege and continuously cultivates new levels of white supremest conditioning with white people, the pawns to hold it all in place.

or maybe it’s the fragility, “the i just can’t, i’m so overwhelmed, i can’t take this, it’s too much, what’s our world coming to…???” forgetting, that for hundreds of years into the present, black peoples, native peoples don’t have the luxury or even the inclination of such “narcissistic fragility.” we have to fucking survive, fight for our children’s right to exist. and this for generations upon generations. this fragility is weaponized. but you won’t admit this either, again, not even to yourSelves. i must be talking to those “other” whyte womyn.

or maybe it’s the deafening silence…

curious though, as of this writing, i can find very little about Ahmaud’s life when i do a search. his dad said he wanted to be a boxer, that he took great pride in conditioning his body. his mom said her son would run daily. i meditate on her…Ahmaud’s mother. as a mother. it was his birthday yesterday. i think of my own son. that when i look at him, when i See him stepping into his dreams, when he talks to me and i can hear his growing process, his gentle, loving nature, when i get glimpses into his Becoming. within that brief moment, i can feel the whole of my journey with him. his birth, nursing him, the sadness when i couldn’t produce enough milk after weeks of trying. i remember the surrender in that, a surrender that would grow and guide me all through raising he and his sister. i remember that when he was 2 1/2 he somehow got out of our apartment, excited that his grandparents were coming. looking out of our 2nd story window, i saw my baby standing at the curb, cars flying by. utter panic inside. in a second, i can feel all the wonder and mystery around his Being, around his Becoming.

that this is stolen from Ahmaud’s mother, from his family and friends. from all of us actually. this sort of pain, shouldn’t be asked of a mother. not at the hands of a depraived culture, but has been for hundreds of years. whyte womyn where are you? the apathy is sickening.

but i can find easily video of his murder though, can’t avoid it actually. passed around FB like a new trend. this screams in my ears. the lynchings, black bodies hanging in trees for all to See, to discuss, to condone or condemn, children riding by on their box carts. the message was clear…and still is now.

i think on the ways in which whyte womyn either appropriate spiritually and/or choose religious INTERPRETATIONS that ignore Ancestral relationship and obligation. a mirror into their cultural-collective inner experience. they can just pray everything away. and Satan of course, is the cause for all sin. and i have yet to see ANY indigenous/spiritual traditions that don’t center Ancestry. yet whyte womyn on whole somehow avoid that part. there is a pattern here. you’d be hard pressed to seek personal and Ancestral accountability with this world view. curiously convenient.

or they can meditate on peace and love. they can decide to “not see color,” which is utter privilege in and of itself, and believe they are changing the world that way. they can in their worshipping of a distorted happiness, push away all that does not fit in their world view. whyte womyn, you cannot “happy” the world into a better place. and Love, when it denies a person, or a people their humanity, in the name of a distorted happy, gaslighting, centering, avoidance, victimhood, fragility, or all sorts of ACCOUNTABLE oblivious WEAPONIZED actions, it is not love. not even close. all of this is VIOLENCE, it screams of AVOIDANCE, it screams of the Ancestral calling for healing work and Accountability. your grandmothers cry out to you, and you turn the other way. it’s a different kind of Banshee. where is your wailing for the dead now? where is your Siren?

why don’t i See you calling in the Divine Feminine Power, that Erotic Fire, the way you do in face of the patriachy in masse? where is the Million Woman March for the black and brown bodies upon which your privilege is built??? you’d spend more time and effort to save a dog.

and i love animals. it’s not about that…

that i even needed to qualify that.

when i enter Sisterhood, it is well above and outside of any colonized constructs. i don’t dance gently around this ugly, you can go look at cute animals somewhere else. we are talking about Sacred lives snuffed out. we are talking about the collective state of humanity. do you really believe, this has no connection to this pandemic? to the state of our planet? really? i call for you to become ally’s, not just in name, but in deep Self Reflection, deep Self Work. I call in the Collection of Sisterhood, meditate on the resilience of black peoples, of native peoples when you sink into your weaponized fragility, or reach back into the depths of your rich Ancestry, and call in from that power, before YOU were colonized.

Ahmaud Arbery, i as part of the collective of Womyn and Mothers hold you in our utter failure. we are each and all accountable for your death. i draw strength of voice from your life, from my own Fire. i See my Sacred Obligation to speak up and out. to relentlessly Seek action to change a world that could hurt you and i call in deep Accountability for healing.

This is Divine, Sacred, Human Obligation.

fuck fragility.

Asé

Fear Can Be Beautiful

more and more i align as Animist. my practices and rituals over time reveal to me the Sentience in all things. we have long forgotten that the Earth has Consciousness. in our collective oblivion we judge the Wisdom of our Ancestral Knowings as primitive and obsolete. in our finite capacity of mind, entangled with human narcissism, potent emotion, and misguided unconscious Beliefs, we Seek to humanize Sentience. we look for our literal Selves in all things; arrogance. we culturally deify and identify as intellect and information; amnesia for the multidimensionality of the human experience, and so, collectively we are blind to the richness of what lives beyond the mind.

as the Sentience in all of life began to reveal itSelf to me, i drew my gaze inward to explore these new relational experiences within the Self. i began to observe the language of ego, the language of different emotions and thoughts. just watching. not judging. i began to notice quirks, qualities and curiosities. slowly a new world emerged beyond my blindness, a realm of emotions and thoughts existing as Beings. Beings with some human like attributes, but whose essences can never be fully understood with the mind and whose voices are most often misinterpreted, as we don’t Seek what is beyond the literal. instead they express themselves through mythology, metaphor, poetry, symbolically and the unexplainable~which i call magick. emotions and thoughts i observed as having their own distinct but entangled inter and intra qualities. it is here that i call in my attention with this writing, to the Beings of emotion, particularly fear. 

i experience all emotions as part of the collective of Self. just as our bodies are ecosystems, with a host of organized organisms which form the whole of the physical body, so too is our experiential existence, our identity, our emotionality, our psychic space. fear, as an aspect of my collective Sentient emotionality, is similar to my humanity, in that it wants to be Seen for its offerings to the Whole of my experience. it is protective. it wants to be heard in its Truth, not ignored, suppressed, oppressed, misunderstood, dismissed or used against itSelf and feared. it Seeks Council, audience with the Council of Beings that comprise the Self, to share its Knowings and be heard, valued and taken seriously. all emotions bring real and valuable offerings. the work is to align to be able to hear and understand them, to become spiritual philologists. when this is not the case, fear gets louder. when it continues to feel unheard, it gets louder still. it constricts, it demands. it looses alignment with the Whole of the human individual and collective experience. for me, fear has not been my greatest challenge, rage has been. but i have learned to listen, with integrity and presence to what she Seeks to reveal to me. what i discovered is that i wanted to take her language literally, that she is not my enemy, no parts of me broken. but as with any lover, you need to learn their language, to understand the universe of who they are, and from there, relationship can build. 

in any relationship where there are deep wounds, it takes time to heal, time to conjure courage, evolve practice and to grow faith in Self capacity. faith that when the fog endures, we are right where we need to be, when we cannot See what is beyond our nose, when the space of it feels particularly potent, seemingly unbearable, this is all a gift, psychic information. a compass to call in the directionality of our attention. if we continue in our commitment to our practices and rituals, consult our Ancestry for guidance, resilience and strength, and walk fiercely into the fire, feeling the burn of it, but conjuring the courage and moving through, liberation await., Kundalini energy, chi, and what Audrey Lorde spoke of as the Erotic Fire courses through. the work, honoring, not judging this Sacred initiation, surrendering to the process as the mother does in birth. observe the need to rush the process and simply choose to continue Soulfully onward, honoring our flow, using psychic technologies that can be learned to move through the dark and cavernous space. we will call in the dark ascension and bring what is in the shadows into consciousness.

fear as compass. fear invites our liberation. fear invites our Erotic Fire. when fear exists in alignment with the Soul, it is ally. there are rich technologies that are indigenous to human beings with flexibility in the nuance found in individuality. we can claim them. Birthright. 

i understand that this is a general exploration and that Diversity in Being and circumstance can exist here. i never presume that any one way is the right way. this is my experience, my Mythology of Self and it serves me. i share this in the context of what is happening now and at the feet of any Soul who receives it. Beings know how to extract what they need from all spaces and leave what they don’t. i find it less important what someone’s religious or spiritual tradition is. i find it Wholly important what their Beliefs and Agreements inspire within them and with regard to their actions. Truth, in so far as human beings have been able to access, is always and only relative. we are built of Mythology and symbol, interwoven in the emotional, the physical, the ancestral, the archetypal. we are exquisitely complex. i choose Mythology, Beliefs and Agreements, that inspire my peace, my most authentic presence, and my grace for all things. 

i share my experience as my own, not to center mySelf. the Soul of every person, Knows their path. i don’t prefer expertism; people trying to fix me, knowing what’s better for me. i experience that as disrespectful. i prefer, to listen to the experiences of others and extract what i need. in this way, every aspect of Sentience around me offers Truth and inspires deeply my gratitude.